Why tweens ruin everything: an open letter
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It’s a well-known fact that tweens ruin absolutely everything they lay their prepubescent hands on. From headbands to the Harmons grocery store bistro, tweens have a funny way of making everything lame. This is an open letter directed at the 11-year-old rats who came into the Harmons bistro and disturbed the once-calming silence that was perfect to complete homework in.
As the six tweens walked in, I knew this place was about to be a lot less of a productive environment. From the way that they carried their tricked out scooters to the way that they stupidly wore the thin Adidas headbands, these kids were T-R-O-U-B-L-E. The smirks on your face and the obscenities dripping from your juvenile lips lead me to believe that maybe you thought you were cooler than you actually are. I still believe so.
Since you walked in, I knew there was about to be a test of my patience. While you were sitting at the other end of the bistro and still making enough noise to overpower my full-volume headphones. While you yelled mercilessly, I counted the things in my brain that you all have ruined for the godforsaken planet. To start, your headband and small sprout of a ponytail is not a Look™. Your lack of a vocabulary is absolutely astounding, considering the amount of times I’ve heard you use “swaggin’” as an appropriate adjective for how your new dark blue kicks look with your black shirt.
Basically, I am begging each and every one of you to stop talking. I am hoping you find yourselves. I am praying that you never walk into the same area as me ever again because I might actually combust. I’ve had it with you. Grow up and please start reading fashion catalogues every once in awhile. I promise it will make all of the difference. Have a great day and thank you for finally leaving my self-proclaimed homework spot. Scooter safely, preteens.
-The girl you almost made homicidal.