Gods of Egypt review (spoilers)
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In this cliche-filled, Egyptian, remake of “Lion King,” comes the story about a thief named Aladdin and a god named Mad-Eye Moody… I mean, Bek and Horus. Together, after the throne is taken over by Leonidas, (wait, I lied his name’s actually Set), Horus and Bek embark on a journey to take back what is rightfully theirs. Overall, I only watched this movie because it was literally the only one showing at a time I could go watch a movie. Why didn’t I just not go, you ask? Because I wanted to watch a movie, and I didn’t care. (It’s not like I have a life otherwise.)
The main protagonist, Horus, is an arrogant man who looks better while wearing an eyepatch. He is the son of the rulers of Egypt, Osiris and Isis. One fateful day, when Horus was about to be crowned as the new ruler of Egypt, big, bad, and apparently Scottish, uncle Set comes along. Set is angry at how his father, Ra, favored Osiris and made him king, so he decides to try and take it over. While Osiris pulls a Han Solo moment and gets close enough for Set to stab him, all the other gods bow down as soon as Set tells them to. I mean, I’m no Egyptian god, but Set only brought some puny, red army of soldiers to take over the throne. I’m pretty sure that if they all the gods attacked at once, Set would be defeated within seconds- but that’s just my suggestion. Anyway, before Set can deliver the final blow to Osiris, Horus steps in and fights his uncle. A battle unfolds in which they turn into giant, metal animals, ending with the loss on Horus’s side. Now, instead of just killing Horus straight off, Set decides to let Horus live because his secret lover told him to. He just takes out Horus’s eyes and exiles him. Ugh.
Now, to the other protagonist. Bek, who is now enslaved by Set and his army, wants to bring the kingdom back to what it was. He also wants to free his girl, Zaya, who works as a slave for some rich construction guy. So, after Zaya shows him the plans to where Horus’s eyes are being kept, he goes and steals them (actually, there’s only one of them there. Set put the other one somewhere else to use later). Honestly, there was no one guarding the eyes, just some bridges, so of course Bek got to them. Also, I don’t think the scorpions underneath the bridges are all that afraid of light as Bek makes his audience believe. Just saying. Bek comes back from his stealing adventure, he escapes with his girl, his girl gets shot by an arrow, Bek goes to where Horus is (which is also unguarded), and then he makes a deal with Horus in which Horus will save his girl and stuff. And then their splendid adventure begins!
Set finds out that Horus left and has his eye–Of course Horus is going to be able to leave. No one is guarding him!–and gets angry. So, instead of leaving to deal with Horus himself, he pulls off the dumb move of sending his incompetent servants to take care of his younger nephew. The rest of the movie is basically Set sending bad guys after Horus, Horus defeating those bad guys, and Horus seeking help from others to do what he needs to do, which is to defeat Set. And what Horus needs to do to defeat Set is to apparently drop a drop of special holy water, otherwise known as “the water of creation” or something into Set’s pyramid, which is Set’s weakness for some reason?? The only thing guarding Set’s pyramid is a sand sphinx which I think moves pretty darn slow. Now, instead of just running around or under the sphinx, Horus and Friends decide to deal with its riddle head on. Whatever. Honestly, I don’t really care to try and explain the exact details and whatever happened in this movie because it all doesn’t make a whole lot of sense anyway. Chris Nashawaty agreed with me about the movie by saying, “[It’s] a shoddy special-effects howler that makes a hash out of both Egyptian mythology and human logic.”
Before I explain the ending of the movie, I realized that I forgot to mention the CGI moments: they are egregious (one can probably infer what that word means). Every time an animated bird, dog, or monster comes onto screen, I laughed. They were just so unrealistic. One could tell the animators were running around in front of a green screen. When a battle sequence erupted between Horus and a monster, the graphics were like that of a really bad video game. “If it wasn’t all CGI, I would have said I hope they saved the sets for another, better movie,” said Bilge Ebiri. Perhaps the only thing that made me laugh harder than the CGI was Horus’s grandfather, Ra, who always had this look like he was constipated or something.
Back to the story. So, to finish off the movie, there’s a big, bad battle at the end between Horus and Set, in which there is a lot of blood that looks like a trail of golden pixie dust. There are some pretty dumb moments in the battle that logically don’t make sense, such as Horus’s random moment where he’s like, “Yo, JK guys. I don’t need my two eyes to fly, because I could fly all along!” What? The whole entire movie Horus had to walk around with Bek because he only had one eye and couldn’t fly. He needs both in order to transform into the horribly animated, golden bird thingy; otherwise, this whole movie would have been over in minutes. Just because the plot calls for it doesn’t mean it should happen. Anyway, I don’t want to spoil the ending–just kidding, good wins over evil. Horus becomes ruler over Egypt and peace reigns throughout the land again. Come on, it was predicted from the start to turn out that way. Of course, there are a few other interesting moments in the movie that either I don’t want to give away or am just to lazy to write about. One of those moments has to do with how Bek gets his girl, Zaya, back; however, you need to see how it all plays out in the movie, considering my explanation won’t do it justice. Watch “Gods of Egypt” so you, too, can feel like your money was wasted.